


love, unsaid

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Series: hanahaki disease [5]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9647273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: some mornings jonghyun will imagine a different kind of story. one in which taemin meets him first.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i'm actually losing motivation for writing nowadays, like part of me is like why do you bother no one cares and the other part is like fuck it you love writing. but anyway i surprisingly finished this so have at it i guess xP

some mornings jonghyun will imagine a different kind of story. one in which taemin meets him first, where jinki is just another friend, where taemin is his. where taemin touches him soft and shy, giggles affectionately at his jokes, turns to him the way a sunflower does to the sun, unfurls his full beauty just for him.

 

instead taemin is jinki's, and he searches jinki out like a magnet to metal, intertwines their fingers almost instinctively when they sit together, traces lazy shapes over jinki's skin, maybe marks of ownership, maybe their names, leans against jinki like jinki is his favourite support. and jonghyun watches it all with a wooden smile.

 

he tells himself it looks like a fond smile, hopes jinki thinks it is. but he knows it's uncomfortable and awkward, and knows that jinki, who sees beyond most facades, is probably very well aware.

the first time a white petal escapes his mouth he thinks he's hallucinating. he picks it up and throws it into a bin without a second thought. but soon he's bent over the toilet throwing up flowers every hour.

 

"gardenias," kibum says quietly, his hands smoothing over jonghyun's back. "unspoken love." kibum is the one who holds him up these days, lets him fall apart, and there's a sympathy in kibum's eyes that makes jonghyun think he understands.

 

jonghyun laughs bitterly, leans into kibum's side and tries not to cry.

 

~-~

 

best friends means you have each other's backs. all the time, in any situation, every trial. except, jinki used to say, if it's illegal. and it must be illegal to be in love with his best friend's boyfriend, jonghyun thinks. somewhere it has to be.

 

he starts avoiding taemin, leaving the apartment he shares with jinki when taemin comes over; smiling apologetically and making excuses when they invite him to join them. escaping to kibum's apartment, his childhood neighbour becoming more of a friend than he had ever expected.

 

and he thinks it's working, that the flowers are losing grip in his chest, but the fourth time he does this, taemin's obvious disappointment makes the flowers twist in his lungs and he has to duck into the toilet mid-sentence to throw up, white petals and broken stems. and blood, red-black splatter stark against the white. it's almost beautiful, jonghyun muses. destructive and terrifying, but beautiful.

 

the blood swirls in the water, spreading out, red becoming pink and the petals slowly soak up the water and drown, sink down down down. and jonghyun thinks that might be him some day, drowning in blood and bile, torn apart and broken down.

 

he sinks down until he's sitting on his heels, lets his thoughts consume him, fantasy and reality battling, hopes and truths, forevers, and nevers. blood bubbles up between his lips ever so often, petals spill from his mouth, no longer whole, torn apart and fragmented. and stained red with gore. he doesn't hear the soft click of the door opening behind him, doesn't hear the soft pitpat of socked feet, doesn't hear anything but his own heart thumping in his ears. fool fool fool. not until jinki's hands land on his shoulders, and he looks up to eyes filled with heavy sorrow.

 

"i'm sorry," jonghyun says. and jinki slides his fingers over jonghyun's hair.

 

"that's never something you should apologize for."

 

"where's-" jonghyun's voice crumbles as the flowers push up his throat, and he's throwing up again.

 

"he's gone home."

 

"oh, okay." jonghyun goes back to staring at the flowers.

 

silence falls between them, and jonghyun thinks maybe jinki is waiting for answers to questions he doesn't know.

 

"i'm booked for the surgery tomorrow," he tells jinki. and when he looks over and attempts a smile, he's shocked to see jinki's eyes filled with tears.

 

"okay," jinki says, relief palpable.

 

then, "i'm sorry."

 

"there's nothing you have to apologize for." jonghyun reaches out impulsively and jinki catches his wrists, pulls him into a hug.

 

"i should have talked to you about it earlier," jinki whispers. "i knew but i didn't want it to be real."

 

"it's okay," jonghyun says quietly. "it's okay."

 

~-~

 

and when the surgery is over, when jinki visits with taemin, when he can laugh without pain, breathe without tasting petals, sing again without losing his breath, he thinks it really will be okay.

  
he glances over at the cat-eyed boy sitting at the edge of his bed, there almost every other day. he's laughing at one of jinki's jokes, mouth open wide, clapping his hands together hard, and jonghyun thinks maybe he could even learn to love again.


End file.
